Jokes

Post up your bestestest jokes. (keep it clean )

oddjob.

baby seal walks into a club....

lol and #&%@ you sly

haha jk oddjob how about this?

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.

Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.
BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"
MAN: "Dunno what you're complaining about-I have to walk home alone..."

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister~in~law was twenty~two. she wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and comitted my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and quickly headed straight towards my car. And Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father~in~law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family son." The moral of the story is... Always keep your condoms in your car!

Hahahahaha that's awesome!

heard it before and still love it

whats the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass?

About 6 feet!

top stuff :p

i was walking down the street the other day and i asked a girl how i looked, she said, "you have the body of a god, shame it's Buddha's", i replied, "well you have the face of a princess, shame it's Diana's"

Little Danny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground & go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy & Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Danny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home & started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look & he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss & then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..." At this point Mommy cut him off & said, "Danny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for dinner time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table that night, Mommy asked Little Danny to tell his story. "I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look & he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane & Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy & Uncle JP used to do when Daddy was away...

LOL thats mint

a women walks by a man on the beach with only a hat on his manhood. woman: " if you were a real man you would raise your hat." man: " if you were a real woman the hat would raise itself."

What takes up 12 car spaces?

Diana's Mercedes.

how do you turn your dish washer into a snow plow?

hand the bi**h a shovel!

LOL. JD gets joke of the day for that :p

No that's rubbish I like oddjob's better, the hat one

How many men dost it take to screw in a light bulb??

1, men will screw ne thing.....


Also why do jews have such big noses??
Is it coz the air is free?????

lol...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." > He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." > Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." > The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" > "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. > "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" > "The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus.

I like very much!

they are sweet!

Don't know any jokes so I'll just keep reading yours

I was listening to the radio the other day and a song came on which reminded me of teneriffe. It was Basement Jaxx, where's your head at?

Window licker

the best joke of all time coming up

womens rights! XD

Aww they're funny :p

LOL

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me...

"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

right guys, watch the jokes please ive had to delete a few as they were a little too below the belt, i dont want to delete the thread but if they do go over the top i will! so be careful what you post cookies are fine etc just no racist, kiddie jokes etc etc

awwww no fair! i love non PC jokes!!

haha oh well

What did the blonde left leg say to her right leg?

Nothing they've never met!

Manchester City are thinking of bringing in a new face for next season... Tevez and Lescott are fighting over who should get it.

Sly wrote:Manchester City are thinking of bringing in a new face for next season... Tevez and Lescott are fighting over who should get it.

lmao quality

Imogen is singing at the MEN Arena this year, but she has already done Giggs in Manchester

One day a professor decided to give his students a quiz. So he picked up a chair, set it on his desk, and told his class they had write a paper convincing the professor on why the chair doesn't exist. Once the assignment was given, all the students started on their essays except for one student who simply wrote no more than one sentence before turning in his paper. As the student turned in his work and left, the professor, confused, looked at the paper which said nothing more than, "What chair?"

My whipped ice dairy drink brings the attention of many males to my place of residence and / or employment, and they declare that its quality far surpasses that of yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours . I could convey to you the recipe, but i would have to demand compensation.

Cookieboro wrote:One day a professor decided to give his students a quiz. So he picked up a chair, set it on his desk, and told his class they had write a paper convincing the professor on why the chair doesn't exist. Once the assignment was given, all the students started on their essays except for one student who simply wrote no more than one sentence before turning in his paper. As the student turned in his work and left, the professor, confused, looked at the paper which said nothing more than, "What chair?"

thats mint oddjob

this one is like yours oddjob.....

College Essay: Just remember, on tests, B.S. does pay off.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell; because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year--"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."--and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN

AWESOME

mine?