Jokes

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Post up your bestestest jokes. (keep it clean )

lol sly that's pretty good mate

see what you meant in pe today lewis when you said it was good!

come on people post up your bestest jokes

a man walks into a bar. Ouch.

what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

nothing! shes already been told twice!

I don't tell jokes, I am a walking comedy show...

what do you call a man with a spade in his head



Doug

What do you call a man with a seagul on his head...

Cliff

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

haha thats mint Sarah

what do you call a man with paper underpants?
Russel.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
















A wooly jumper!

L.O.L

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

no idea.

what do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

still no idea.

whats the similarity between a human sperm and a lawyer?

one in 500 million has a chance of becoming a human being.

A police officer stops a man on the highway. The man says “Did you stop me for speeding?” The officer replies “Yes, I stopped you for speeding” The man replies “Well I have a gun in my glove compartment, and have a dead body in my trunk” The officer pulls back and calls for back up and waits. Minute’s later back up arrives. The second officer says “My partner says you had a dead body in the trunk and a gun is the glove compartment." So the cop checks the glove compartment, no gun. He checks the trunk, no body. Officer 2 asks, "Do you have a gun?" The man says, "No, sir." "Did you steal this car?" "Nope." At last policeman 2 says, "My partner said you had a dead body and a gun." The guy replies, "I bet he said I was speeding too!!

The kid next door was running round the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out spells.
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs.

Owner of Perfect House Lives in Car
September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA
In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads. Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, if living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I'm willing to pay.


People are sooooo sad lol

Man Sues Coffee Shop for Ice Mocha Mishap
August 26, 2002 - Michigan, USA
After spilling an iced coffee beverage onto his lap while driving from a local coffee shop drive-through a Michigan man is now suing the shop for $800,000 in damages and mental anguish. The man claimed it was a "traumatic experience" that has negatively altered his life in many ways. He claims that he was unaware of the frigid temperature of his Ice Mocha or he would have taken better precautions with handling the beverage. The coffee shop owner said during our interview, "Anyone who doesn't know the temperature of a drink that has the word 'ice' in its name has much more important things to worry about than a moment of discomfort due to his own negligence. He sustained no physical harm, there were no damages to his vehicle or possessions except a brown stain on his pants, which I am sure is something he is used to."

haha i chuckled at the 2nd one but with both, you aids to the American stereotype

Worse thing, both apparently true stories!

Doesn't surprise me, there was a women that sued McDonald's because a few years ago, she wet through a drive through and got a coffee, put it between her legs then it fell over and scolded her. She won because she didn't know it was hot. That's why now they all have the sleeves on saying 'contents may be hot'.

lol, i bet that was america. Soon they will have "Contents may be wet" on cups in fear of being taken to court..

No that mcdonalds thing was in the uk.

no doubtably and was it Holly? as if!

my gran caught me having a wank the other day, she was so shocked she had a stroke.... surprisingly soft hands for a pentioner!

I went to the shop the other day to get some tablets for my dishwasher.
She had a bad head and needed paracetamol.

I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more.
They're too complicated for women.

ohhhh thats a slap when i next see you sly

hehehehehehe

I agree Holly, and perhaps a kick for good measure

a kick? :O how rude have to catch me first haha

i am sure me and Sarah will be able to coner you sooner or later

haha ok then

why do women have smaller feet than men?
so they can stand closer to the sink.

what happens when the dishwasher stops working?

give her a slap and tell her to get on with it!!!!!!!!!

haha nice one

what do you when your wife comes into the living room from the kitchen to tell you to turn the tv volume down?

shorten the leash

hey say beer contains female hormones,I think they are right... after 10 pints I talk shite and cant drive

Sly wrote:hey say beer contains female hormones,I think they are right... after 10 pints I talk shite and cant drive

oh this is so true!!!! but in some peoples case 4 pints is enough ( Itchy n scratchy and illegal imigrant)

omg i have to see that!

6 truths of life.

1 You cant touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2 All retards after reading this try it.
3 The first truth was a lie
4 Your smiling because your a retard
5 You will send this on to your retard mates
6 Your still smiling

just for thumbs

Whats the best thing about sex with a transvestite?

Reaching round and thinking its gone right through!!

hahaha unreal on that subject, army joke coming up

** edit, thats a little too low below the belt removed **